I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
