is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
