can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Randomize
