I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
