Your dad touched me again.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
