I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
