ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Best friends brother. Beat that.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Randomize
