I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
