I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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