so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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