I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
