After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
