butt plug
anus plug
rubbish cock?
yes
you suck at this game today
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
