I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
