he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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