I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
