last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
