Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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