The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
