um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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