The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Randomize
