i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
