Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
