im having a threesome with these popsicles
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
