evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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