thus making me awesome and them whores
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize