Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Randomize
