Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
