he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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