Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
