A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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