Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Randomize
