I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
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