I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
