You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
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