I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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