funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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