I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
