So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
