He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
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