I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
