Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I was not drunk enough for that final.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
