If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
