Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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