vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Randomize
