I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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