Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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