the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Randomize
