please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
