I'm jealous of your bromance
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I came so hard my ears popped.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
