I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
