FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
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