I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
